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Whats going on in my mind

I think what I have the hardest time with right now, besides all the shit that my family and the people they are involved with that for some reason they think I’m able to get through, is that I do feel alone. I have a hard time reaching out to other people because I always worry what others will think, most importantly you, and I was right because there was someone you disagreed with so I cut myself from that person so I started keeping it all inside and this is what happens when I don’t talk to people about whats going on. I don’t want to talk to you about it because I have felt like a bother the entire time I have tried to talk to you. I feel like an inconvenience and a chore when I text you and you seem busy. I feel like an annoying child when I try to call and you seem to rush me off (“I’m at a beer crawl you know that right,” I feel like no matter how much I’m hurting you just don’t have the time for me.

I guess what I don’t agree with in all of this is because This semester has been hard and I know that, in the end you went through so much. You went through doubts and I was there to back you up and you went through your triumphs and I was there for that. What you don’t know, because I never fully told you, was that the hardest day for me to be there for you was the day you graduated. You were so upset with everyone and no matter what anyone did you continued to be upset. And yet I was there- I took your bitching and your bitterness the entire day. I bet you didn’t know that you put me in tears. When we went to lunch with your family I had to go to the bathroom right after sitting down so I could cry without anyone seeing. It was ironic that you said later that I had it better than your ex because you made her cry at your high school graduation and yet you didn’t know that you had made me cry that day too. It wasn’t that you you just hurt me that day it was also that you didn’t give me any credit. You assumed that I wasn’t helping out your family and yet I was bending over backwards to be there for them. I always put my feelings and needs on the back burner and that is no different for your family- I treat them better than I treat my own family and you know that.

I needed you at certain points in this week. I needed you to be there for me today a lot. I had once again been torn down by someone that I thought could actually fill that void in my life and that was ripped from me. Its weird different people tried to explain that this could tear families apart and I just thought that this time with me it would be different- that my family was finally a family and I would be OK with their support. its hard to make you understand that the only thing in my life that I have ever wanted was a family- with a mother that actually treated me like a daughter. And today that was ripped from me and I couldn’t explain that to you enough. You didn’t see it, I kinda thought it would be easy for you to just know what today would cause me to feel and you didn’t, and if you did you didn’t tell me.

I’m alone.

There you ago telling me that I make you feel guilty and sad about being gone which makes me feel even worse about my own situation- I feel so much like a burden its unreal.

Day 9: How important is education to me

Well I don’t think I can say enough that will be able to get my point across but I will do my best: I think that education is the most important thing anyone can have. I believe that we never stop learning and there should be no reason why we should not all be grated the real EQUAL opportunity to said education. With an education there is nothing that can be denied to you, I hate when employers say that people are overqualified! What the hell does that even mean? If they are applining for the position YOU posted there is no reason why an elevated education level should hold them back from a position.

Back to the educational aspect: I personally want to become a trauma surgeon so for me education will never cease and I would want the same dreams for my children.

Like I said- I knew my words would not do this question justice but the bottom line is that education does mean everything to me, I’m attracted towards it and I’m attracted to it in others. :)

Gocha

So I did talk to my dad- I stopped holding everything in and just let it all out. It felt really good in the end and it was very interesting catching him in his lies when he doesn’t believe me when he should. It just made me want to scream at him to be honest It was like a total kinda… gocha moment when there was nothing that he was able to point out that i was doing something wrong. What he doesn’t know is that I’m changing the bank account on the GI bill and I will now wire him money rather than the other way around, if he has a problem its fine I wont take his GI bill, or I’ll just tell everyone what happened- haven’t decided which yet.

At this point I’m very tired and I’m still at work- in the library- until 10. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep tonight- I hope so.

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