Sitting here on the couch in my living room thinking about everything that has happened in the past 5 weeks I cannot help but be nervous about my dream slipping away and at the same time elated and energized and ready to fight for my dream with everything that I have. There has not been one single thing in my life that has been as constant as this dream of mine: not my family, friends, location, relationships, schools or anything else that most people hold so dear to them. For me it has been this one desire to go out in the world and see the sick, dying and injured and help them, heal them, give them the hope that they can come back from what they have gone through. Whether it be a broken bone, the need of stitches, a stroke, a heart attack, a horrific car accident or anything else that a person may be in the need of a medical professional.
    I don’t believe that I realized how strong a passion for something could be; I don’t believe anyone knows how hard they are willing to fight for something until they are faced with the need to. Before when I had no need to fight for this and it just seemed to fall in my lap and I worked well with it and seemed to fit like a glove to the world that I was ready to jump into I never appreciated what type of a dream I was going for. When your little they always say: “shoot for the moon, if you fail at least you’ll land upon the stars,” well apparently I took this literally. I’m shooting for becoming a trauma surgeon; if that doesn’t happen I’m not sure what would count as “the stars,” but I am willing to find out what it is as long as its medical related.
    I am looking at all possibilities for medical school: going straight in, taking a year to do a pre-medical program that integrate students into first year medical school and as long as grades are up to par they are able to go into the medical school at the respected  university.
    I’m excited- its going to be an uphill battle but I’m ready for it and I’m going for it with all I have- I need to do this for myself!

I guess in a way I am thankful for tonights argument, I have not cried this hard in a very very long time and maybe that is exactly what I needed after everything, maybe I just needed to break down completely and let all my hurt and anger and frustration. I do have to be honest since this is just me releasing a lot in order for me to be able to get past it. You said a lot of things tonight that hurt a lot and I just want to get them out and off my mind and heart. When you old me that you were in the one in Ireland that had the alcohol poisoning I felt lied to and I couldn’t believe that you did that for attention- attention from me. I know that I was not the one that was there for you when you had a lot going on when you were in Ireland and well frankly most of it was my fault. And I have apologized over and over again and I will keep apologizing until maybe you get the idea that I’m really very sorry.

When you said things like you still don’t think your attractive enough for me, that you don’t think that your supportive enough, that you don’t like being there. I feel so guilty and so ashamed about everything. I can’t stand that you have not enjoyed yourself while you have been there. I hate crying and I hate crying this much, even if I think that I needed it. I I really can’t stand that you sent a text message that said: “Nice engagement we have making me feel like shit.” That def. did not make me feel good at all. My heart aches more than ever. I don’t know if I even want to text you tomorrow because I have hated every day of this trip. We have argued in one form or another and I have gone through a lot personally and you aren’t enjoying it as much as you should be. With all this arguing do you ever wonder why we are engaged. I know why you see me in you future and why you see this working and I see it too but honestly- like truly asking yourself deep down- is all this arguing worth it? It doesn’t seem like it is to you to be honest. Lauren, my dear, my love, I want to be able to talk things out. I want to be able to work things out. I want to be able to make us both feel better even when we’re miles apart. I know that that us holding each other would make me feel better and I have a good feeling would make you feel better too but I want more. I want to continue forming a deeper love with you.

I can’t explain how sad I feel but even worse I can’t explain how bad I feel for you. I can’t believe that you would blame yourself for my sadness when it was not your fault at all. I have to be a big girl and be able to pick up my own pieces, which is what I was trying to explain to you tonight, I know your there and I believe your not going anywhere (although in all honesty I wouldn’t blame you after this trip) but I want us to both be independent as well as in love with each other and in a supportive and happy relationship.

I love you Lauren, I love you with everything I have in me, without a doubt and I will do my best to make it up to you. I just want you to be happy, I just want to make you happy.

and….

I guess I don’t really know what I think right now. When I first read through what you wrote it hurt so bad it was unreal. I regretted telling you yes when you asked me to marry you. I regretted sending you on your trip, I regretted putting a ring on your finger. It hurt that you lied to me, I’m not going to lie and I’m not going to make it out to be ok because it wasn’t. But I was no better than you not so long ago. In fact I had a huge problem. I was a constant lier it wasn’t just one thing but it was a lot of things and you know that as much as I do. Honestly what hurt the most was what you actually wrote. Whether it was how you meant it or not you can’t take back that I read it the way that words are written- black and white at a dictionary meaning not what they were intended to be What I read what that someone else makes your heart spin. That you get lost in someone else’s seduction. The person that asked me to marry them the week before they wrote this wrote that she is highly attracted to someone else; that their “ocean blue eyes” allure them. Lauren I don’t know about you. I have not done anything in a very long time to make you question why you choose me, but today I’m questioning why I said yes to you. I put you on such a high pedestal it was unreal- I saw that you could do no wrong in my eyes. Today my view changed on you and I’m very sad about it. 

Maybe I’m making a mistake

idontmindbeingdifferent:

(Source: shunthesenuts)

Your a grown adult make your own choice and live with that choice. Stop letting other people, I don’t give a damned who they are, make you feel like you can’t be friends with someone. And stop making me feel like I need to make and have friends based off of you. And feel like this is coming form left field because I’m tired of people playing stupid.

I’m forming a new one with the most wonderful woman in the world and I couldn’t be luckier- this will be a real family <3

So this happens to be able my right knee MRI today- me being the medical nerd that I am, received a disc with the image shots on them and brought them home to review them myself. Here are a few of the many images that I found and had a concern with:

This Image above I have circled and pointed an arrow to what is the patella- mine seems to be fractured in between - this is not how a normal patella should look, it should be in one piece with no gap between it.

Once again the gap that lies between to clear pieces of a petella

This image shows what I believe to be a torn meniscus- Both sides of the knee should match the space that I have drawn an arrow to. They should form dark triangles in this cross section of the knee. The circled portion shows the disturbance of this triangle which is a probably cause to suspect a torn meniscus. The bright white spots on the image that I did not circled (one being located under the patella the other in the circle around my suspected meniscus tear) means that some damage has occurred to this portion of the knee.

Yet again another image that leads to the thought of a torn meniscus

(what concerns me the most in the picture beside the obvious circled bright white spot is that under where the patella lies is that bright white area. When I put pressure on my knee as if to lunge or jump off the ground this is the area in which the most pain is located).

This images shows both concerns currently being thought through by myself- the possibility of an unhealed patella and a torn meniscus.

The last image I am posting that once again shows the concern.

Other concerns that can be seen in the images that I did not point out and some examples I did not post were bruised bones that should not be occurring and warn away cartilage. I guess from here I will have to wait and see what the doctors say. I will be back to this subject to see if my hypothesis were correct.