I miss that oh so intoxicating smell….
I miss that oh so intoxicating smell….
I got some news today that I’m still trying to process…..
This is going to be a long and hard battle that is truly going to test my will to live.
So I’m leaving buffalo, “our city,” I thought I was OK with it until I started getting closer to the date…Yea I was dealing with losing someone that I loved, someone that I took advantage of more than I can even begin to explain. But through it all what I didn’t see was how much he loved me, I mean it was right in front of my face and I didn’t see it- who in the world can be so blind??
So moving on and back to the feelings I’m now harboring. Buffalo and everything about it made me feel like I still had a piece of her. When I was missing her I would go to an old spot that reminded me of the us I was in love with. Walking down Elmwood, walking around the college campus, certain things I wear, perfumes I have but I can’t put on anymore because to many memories come rushing back. Its easy to drive around and get lost in memories and subsequently have no idea where I was going anymore.
I loved the security I had in buffalo, even though we were over I knew I could walk down memory lane. Thats why when I missed her I never told her. When I was really really missing her I just walked down memory lane.
Now I just cry. I know I’m leaving that part and I sit by myself and cry. Yea I know pathetic huh? Why stay in a relationship that you clearly don’t love someone as much as you love someone else? Why even venture into this when I knew that things were still too fresh for me to process? Yea I have no fucking idea. But just like I told her- I would face my cancers 1000 times if it meant I could have her by my side.
The love that I have now doesn’t even compare to what I had, what I miss, what I can’t shove away. Why can something so simple as love be so complicated.
I lost the love of my life.
So last night I had a crazy dream about someone I was once I guess involved with would be a good title for it.
Regardless I was taken back that I had the dream because I don’t have any feelings towards this person like that at all….
Although when I was pregnant I had constant dreams about an ex so I guess I’m just full of crazy.
don’t fall for me- I can’t make you happy
So I caught up with an old professor(ish) and was enlighten that she, although married, identifies as being bi and has worked something out with her husband that they can bring another woman in as long as they both get to play…
Would this ever fly for me?
…….. got to say prob not
but props to them for finding a compromise!!!
For begin to follow up from yesterday:
I am struggling with myself.. how I feel.. the decisions I have made, and the life that I l have given up. I never realized just how much a part of me my sexuality is/was. I feel like I am living a life that half of me is missing from. I never realized how much affect an identity has on oneself. I am successfully living a straight life on the outside but on the inside I am suffocating. I am depressed and hating myself because I don’t feel like I am myself.
I no long act the way that I spent so long developing, I have hidden, covered up, which ever description you prefer, the part of me that I loved the most: my out lesbian self.
I fought with my family to accept me, I lost friends that were not OK with my choices, and struggled with a long time on accepting myself for who I was. Now all the that work is not being appreciated.
I’m not made at the partner in life that I have now because he did not force me into this, he knew who I was an accepted(s) that part of me but that doesn’t mean that I’m living as that person.
I don’t want to hurt him so he does know that I have these feelings but he doesn’t know how strong they are or what they are doing to me. I could never tell him; he would be destroyed. Thats what this is for.
Just the beginning.
So where the hell do I even begin? Hmmm… Its been so long since I’ve written on here I literally forgot how to write the post- yea yea I know not that hard to figure out.
I guess I’m back because I need somewhere to write down all my feelings. These past 24 months have been run through faster than the speed of light and everything is catching up to me fast- and let me tell you its like hitting into a brick wall going 270 miles an hour. OUCH!
Like I said I don’t even know where to start so I guess I’ll just be blunt about how I see myself now, although this will be a very short post because I have so much to do today.
I’m a lesbian, married to a guy, with a child, 3 dogs, 1 cat, and I’m about to move my entire life from Buffalo to Michigan.
Yea told ya its a lot.
Sitting here on the couch in my living room thinking about everything that has happened in the past 5 weeks I cannot help but be nervous about my dream slipping away and at the same time elated and energized and ready to fight for my dream with everything that I have. There has not been one single thing in my life that has been as constant as this dream of mine: not my family, friends, location, relationships, schools or anything else that most people hold so dear to them. For me it has been this one desire to go out in the world and see the sick, dying and injured and help them, heal them, give them the hope that they can come back from what they have gone through. Whether it be a broken bone, the need of stitches, a stroke, a heart attack, a horrific car accident or anything else that a person may be in the need of a medical professional.
I don’t believe that I realized how strong a passion for something could be; I don’t believe anyone knows how hard they are willing to fight for something until they are faced with the need to. Before when I had no need to fight for this and it just seemed to fall in my lap and I worked well with it and seemed to fit like a glove to the world that I was ready to jump into I never appreciated what type of a dream I was going for. When your little they always say: “shoot for the moon, if you fail at least you’ll land upon the stars,” well apparently I took this literally. I’m shooting for becoming a trauma surgeon; if that doesn’t happen I’m not sure what would count as “the stars,” but I am willing to find out what it is as long as its medical related.
I am looking at all possibilities for medical school: going straight in, taking a year to do a pre-medical program that integrate students into first year medical school and as long as grades are up to par they are able to go into the medical school at the respected university.
I’m excited- its going to be an uphill battle but I’m ready for it and I’m going for it with all I have- I need to do this for myself!
I guess in a way I am thankful for tonights argument, I have not cried this hard in a very very long time and maybe that is exactly what I needed after everything, maybe I just needed to break down completely and let all my hurt and anger and frustration. I do have to be honest since this is just me releasing a lot in order for me to be able to get past it. You said a lot of things tonight that hurt a lot and I just want to get them out and off my mind and heart. When you old me that you were in the one in Ireland that had the alcohol poisoning I felt lied to and I couldn’t believe that you did that for attention- attention from me. I know that I was not the one that was there for you when you had a lot going on when you were in Ireland and well frankly most of it was my fault. And I have apologized over and over again and I will keep apologizing until maybe you get the idea that I’m really very sorry.
When you said things like you still don’t think your attractive enough for me, that you don’t think that your supportive enough, that you don’t like being there. I feel so guilty and so ashamed about everything. I can’t stand that you have not enjoyed yourself while you have been there. I hate crying and I hate crying this much, even if I think that I needed it. I I really can’t stand that you sent a text message that said: “Nice engagement we have making me feel like shit.” That def. did not make me feel good at all. My heart aches more than ever. I don’t know if I even want to text you tomorrow because I have hated every day of this trip. We have argued in one form or another and I have gone through a lot personally and you aren’t enjoying it as much as you should be. With all this arguing do you ever wonder why we are engaged. I know why you see me in you future and why you see this working and I see it too but honestly- like truly asking yourself deep down- is all this arguing worth it? It doesn’t seem like it is to you to be honest. Lauren, my dear, my love, I want to be able to talk things out. I want to be able to work things out. I want to be able to make us both feel better even when we’re miles apart. I know that that us holding each other would make me feel better and I have a good feeling would make you feel better too but I want more. I want to continue forming a deeper love with you.
I can’t explain how sad I feel but even worse I can’t explain how bad I feel for you. I can’t believe that you would blame yourself for my sadness when it was not your fault at all. I have to be a big girl and be able to pick up my own pieces, which is what I was trying to explain to you tonight, I know your there and I believe your not going anywhere (although in all honesty I wouldn’t blame you after this trip) but I want us to both be independent as well as in love with each other and in a supportive and happy relationship.
I love you Lauren, I love you with everything I have in me, without a doubt and I will do my best to make it up to you. I just want you to be happy, I just want to make you happy.
I guess I don’t really know what I think right now. When I first read through what you wrote it hurt so bad it was unreal. I regretted telling you yes when you asked me to marry you. I regretted sending you on your trip, I regretted putting a ring on your finger. It hurt that you lied to me, I’m not going to lie and I’m not going to make it out to be ok because it wasn’t. But I was no better than you not so long ago. In fact I had a huge problem. I was a constant lier it wasn’t just one thing but it was a lot of things and you know that as much as I do. Honestly what hurt the most was what you actually wrote. Whether it was how you meant it or not you can’t take back that I read it the way that words are written- black and white at a dictionary meaning not what they were intended to be What I read what that someone else makes your heart spin. That you get lost in someone else’s seduction. The person that asked me to marry them the week before they wrote this wrote that she is highly attracted to someone else; that their “ocean blue eyes” allure them. Lauren I don’t know about you. I have not done anything in a very long time to make you question why you choose me, but today I’m questioning why I said yes to you. I put you on such a high pedestal it was unreal- I saw that you could do no wrong in my eyes. Today my view changed on you and I’m very sad about it.